Oh what a week it's been....

This week has me not only questioning my job, and my place at my current school, but really I am beginning to question my life, and my place in this world. That's ultimately what it has come down to, this crazy place (my school) is making me question EVERYTHING, from how I deal with things, to if I am slumping back into a state of depression, to if I really need to be in education. The really bad part is that because of all of this, my mother is beginning to question my "state of mind" and is really worried about me! Now I know that my mother is going to worry about me anyway, but because I am so far away from her, her anxiety increase.

Here's a breakdown of my hellacious week:

Monday - Dealt with an angry parent of, "The Man" who when I called to tell her he walked out of class AGAIN today, she was furious with me that he wasn't going on the field trip, and that she lost her money.....seriously, people?

ME: "He was suspended THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!! PLUS, he got mad today and WALKED OUT OF CLASS! He does whatever he wants to do! Being disrespectful to adults, is just par for the course. Are we really going to reward him by allowing him to go on a field trip?"

Her: "Well you said he could go, if I go with him, why can't he go?"

Me: "Because we've already paid for everything and did not count him in, nor included you. PLUS, HE WAS SUSPENDED FOR BEING DISRESPECTFUL AND WALKING OUT OF CLASS THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!!! When I said he could go with accompaniment it was before he was suspended. Besides I met with you IN PERSON last Monday, you never indicated that you were interested in going on the trip with him!"

Her: "Ms. G, I have so much on my mind, I can't keep up with field trips." (Really, like keeping up with the behavior of your child?) "When is it? Wednesday? I mean that's money that I can't get back that could have gone to bills or something." (Or something like you hair or nails?)

Me: "Well, I suggest that you make him work off the money that he owes you."

Her: "Whatever."

Nice! Ok, so we are not upset because the student is walking out of class, we are more upset of losing $$$. Now I know that economic times are hard, but seriously, I don't go to work to babysit your child. If I was a babysitter, I would be getting paid WAY more than I do for teaching.

Tuesday - I received an email stating that we had to have grades due for our report cards on Thursday at 4. It's TUESDAY at 2:00. (For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that's 50 hours. 16 of which I will be teaching, and my fourth grade had a field trip on Wednesday, so that's 20 that my teammates will be gone/teaching. And I would like to sleep, eat and take care of personal things, approx. 24 hours for this. That's not alot of time left to organize and finalize grades.) So I shot out this email:

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!!
I don't know where the breakdown is, but to let us know TWO DAYS before the deadline is a complete and utter farce!!! THE FOURTH GRADE TEACHERS WILL BE ON A FIELD TRIP ALL DAY TOMORROW SO THAT REALLY ONLY LEAVES ONE DAY TO GET GRADES POSTED. (And I'm not even speaking for myself, but for my team)
NO, IT'S NOT EVEN ONE DAY BECAUSE ON THURSDAY, FROM 8 - 4, WE ACTUALLY PLAN TO TEACH!!! A novel idea, I know.
I understand we are suppose to keep up with grades, which most of us have, but seriously, the nine weeks doesn't end until FRIDAY!!!~!~
I MEAN, TWO DAYS? SERIOUSLY?

Ok, maybe it wasn't the best thing to write, but the frustration was oozing out of every part of my body. Here's the reply from my "leader":

Emails like this are not helpful. If you have a problem, please see me.

Yes, because that has worked so well in the past when I have had "problems". (see previous blog about crazy student wielding a wooden cross at a teacher)

Wednesday - Actually, somewhat of a good day than I would have expected. I stayed behind from the field trip keeping all the "behavior" students who couldn't go on the field trip. We actually had an instructional day, and though they drove me crazy, (8 of the worst kids on my grade, all put into one room with 5 other kids) there was no major incidents. SUCCESS!!! But I left school with a huge headache which sent me home taking two Tylenol and going to bed!

Thursday - Heading to school early for morning tutoring, had to stop on the side of the road because of a nose bleed, and return to my house to change (blood all over my clothes). This was proceeded by a huge major headache/migraine that was unbearable. I couldn't get my medicine open and couldn't even see, the pain was blinding. (This has happened before, two years ago, evidently brought on by stress and high blood pressure, go figure) Called into school, and went to see my doctor. MRI pending.

Spoke to assistant principal this night to explain why I couldn't come in and that per doctor's orders, would be out on Friday as well. She told me that 3 fourth grade boys (which we have had trouble with all year and went to the "leader" about their escalating behavior, "The Man" was one of the boys, "jumped" another one of my students in the bathroom. Police were called.)

I felt so guilty and responsible, knowing that if I had been at school on this day, this could have been avoided. I am very sad at the whole situation.

I am done. Really done. There is no way I can work under the "leader" anymore. Children are now paying the price due to her allowing things to be swept under the rug. I can't do it anymore.
I have to go to another school or something, because now that this stress and frustration is starting to effect me physically. I just can't take it anymore.

Evidently, now I'm racist!!!

Here's a breakdown of my day:

1) "The Man" threw a pencil at another student today. When I tried to correct this behavior and explain why it is dangerous, he got mad and sat at his desk, refusing to complete his Math Test. He then began to make noises and was disrupting other students who were trying to take their Math Test. He did not complete one question on his test. He just kept saying over and over again, "Can you call my momma? I wanna get out of this school!"

I asked him to put his name on his test paper. When he came to get his test paper from me, he dropped three pieces of loose leaf paper on the floor. I asked him to pick of the paper that he dropped, he replied, "When I get back!" I said, "Ok," and reached for a referral form. He became so angry, he stormed out of my room, slamming the door behind him.

This afternoon, while walking to the bus lot, I was explaining to him why he was getting suspended again, and that he was again going to miss his Spelling and Reading test for the second week in a row. This is going to have a negative impact on his academics. He yelled at me, "Man, you need to shut up and get out of my face!" He then proceeded to walk back into the school building, though I asked him several times to return to his seat in his bus line. No one had could find him.

I just got off the phone with his mother and when she asked him about what happened and why he got suspended, he said that he thinks I don't like black people!

Great! Now I've been classified as a racist by a disrespectful 11 year old, who does not take any responsibility for his own actions.

Wonderful, what a great day!

Tutoring

Usually my posts are filled with problems and complaints, but today something happened that was so great, it reminds me why I do what I do and why I love my job!

On Mondays and Wednesday for one hour after school, I tutor two students. (and yes, I do this without pay, because OMG that a teacher would actually do something that would increase student achievement and that is their 'pay', instead of a monetary value. I only say this because this questions was asked of me by a fellow "educator". see previous posts)

So today after school, my students returned to my classroom, ready to get to work. I gave them their after school snack and we got right to work. They were so excited! They wanted to learn and wanted help on certain objectives that they knew they were having problems with. They were like little sponges. It was awesome!

We started with some reading content. I gave them strategies they could use on their state tests, then we did exercises using context clues. I was so proud of them working so hard. When then went on to finding synonyms and antonyms. We had to get a dictionary out to look up a word that they didn't really understand and that's where the learning really happened!

In the back of our dictionary, there was a list of the Presidents of the US. One student, who is sometimes a pain, giving me all sorts of attitude. I call her "Wood". Today, however, she went from the Pain to the Great One. (Judy Blume shout out!) "Wood" found the list of Presidents and then began asking questions about them. I incorporated history, government, math and literacy all together. (Way to cross the curriculum, GO ME!)

"Wood" and "Smiley" learned so much and they were so excited! "Smiley" couldn't stop smiling. He won the Jeopardy game that they played and couldn't wait to tell his mom. I was so proud of both of them.

These are the days that I love my job! I love my students! I love my school! I love life!
All because two students loved learning!

My Kingdom for Another Snow Day

Yesterday we had a snow day. This is (count 'em) the THIRD SNOW DAY of the year!

Now I don't know about how the universe works; if it is karma, the Lord our savior, or the butterfly effect, but I don't think that it is just a coincidence that every time we have an "incident" at school, the next day we have a snow day. Something is trying to tell me something!

Here is my proof:

Snow Day #1) January 20, 2009 - Inauguration Day - Day before my birthday. This was the universe giving me a birthday present. No explanation necessary.

Snow Day #2) February 4, 2009 -Wednesday -
Fought with Special Education teacher on work not being completed for my students. After NUMEROUS meetings, and no change in work effort, I LOST it in front of Asst. Principal, Literacy Facilitator, and Talent Development Coordinator. "Leader" was no where to be found (go figure) but this would have been the 12th meeting with her, and still nothing changed.
After this I was called into the Principal's office, (yes, I'm a 9 year old again) and was yelled at because I failed to follow the chain of command, and went over her head. Even though, my team and I met with her on several occasions and nothing was ever resolved. I finally took matters into my own hands and had to pay the piper. (As I say to my students, I needed to suffer the consequences for my actions.)
I then returned to my classroom and tried to teach, and was cussed out by a student. GREAT!

Due to all of these reasons, I really needed a day off, and the next day>>> SNOW!

Snow Day #3) March 2, 2009 - Monday
After my two hellacious days of battling with the "leader", (see previous posts), do I really need to explain why I needed a day off?!?!?!?

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the days off, because I really wanted it, but I HATE having to make up these days. As of right now, we already had to give up our President's Day workday. Our workday scheduled for the end of this month, has now become an instructional day and we have to make up that workday during Spring Break. Now because of yesterday, we do not have Memorial Day off. Really???

Now for those of you who are complaining that you "didn't get a snow day" yesterday, and those who are sarcastically saying that teachers "have it so hard...my job doesn't get snow days.... blah blah blah." May I please say that I saw the list of closings yesterday and the businesses that were closed were longer than the schools that were closed! I bet those professions who didn't have to go to work yesterday, don't have to have a make up day! SO SUCK IT!!!!

With as much work as I have to do trying to redo my lessons for the week (really the rest of the nine weeks) to add and subtract these damn make up days, it really wouldn't hurt my feelings to have snow days 'till August 24!

(For those of you who don't know, that when the next school year starts.) I am so over this year!

I Quit!!! Part II

Sorry to all those who were anxiously awaiting the conclusion of my neverending saga. It took a little longer to write than I expected.

When last we left the heroine of our story, me, I had just left the principal's office after handing in my resignation. The second I left her office, the tears came to me flowing like a river. I cried down the hall. I cried up stairs, and I cried down the hall all the way to my classroom. I cried and cried and cried. Several teachers who heard me boo - hooing all the way down the hall came in to comfort me. I cried so hard, I couldn't catch my breath. I was so disappointed and saddened by what had just taken place. My spirit was completely broken. But I still had not realized the magnitude of what I had just done.

As a side note, I later found out that after I left the office, the principal said to the rest of my team, "I guess that's another teacher who doesn't care about student achievement."
(OH NO SHE DI IN'T!!.... Uh, yeah, she did)

Sitting in my classroom crying with every ounce of my soul, I recounted the events to the teachers who had followed me into my classroom, and who were concerned about my well-being.
They just sat there and let me vent, like all good friends do, and were astonished when I told them what I had done. They couldn't believe it, and to be honest, neither could I.

As they listened and played devils advocate, they began to ask the questions that, at the time of my resigning, I did not think of, "What are you going to do? Are you going to finish the year? Are you going to stay in education? Where are you going to go? What's your plan?"

Plan? What plan? I didn't have a plan!!! I didn't even PLAN on giving my resignation. It was just something that I did, JUST IN CASE I needed it. I never thought I would use it. That wasn't my PLAN!!! I was just angry! I was tired of fighting. I wanted a resolution and all I got was accusations and the run around. Instead of finding peace, I found myself in the middle of an internal war. ( I guess an external war too.)

I stayed at school for the next two and a half hours, crying and talking to my friends. I kept replaying the whole situation over and over again in my mind. What could I have done? What should I have done? What would I do now? I didn't know. I didn't have any answers. But the hard part wasn't over yet. Yes, ladies and gents, the hard part was going to be telling my parents.

So I called my mom. Now for those of you who know my parents, you know that they love and support me in whatever I do. Whatever I decide to do, they are always there to back me up, or so they say. Remember, I had done this before (see previous post: 69 days). And while my mom is pretty easy going and usually sees my reasoning and is GREAT at pointing out all sides of the situation, my dad... not so much!

You see, for my dad, there is only ONE WAY of doing things, HIS WAY. There's the right way, the wrong way and "Jr's way". I didn't think that the way that I had chosen, was in accordance with "Jr's way." So I called mom and told her first (I've found that's always the way to go). At first, she didn't believe me until I explained what had happened. Then she said, "Well at least you didn't put it in writing." Um, ok she didn't get the jist. This was going to be harder than I thought. "Uh, no mom I did put it in writing and I gave it to her."

"WHAT?!?!?!" she screamed. Ok, I think she was starting to get why I was crying so much. And then she said the two words that ALWAYS let me know what kind of trouble I was in. "RENI MARIE!!!!!" Yep, I was in some serious TROUBLE.

Now, you do realize that I'm 31 years old, and I live 12 hours away from my parents. But I still value my their opinion and usually pass all big decisions in my life by them, just to hear what they think. I forgot that part in this situation. I think I hear d her screaming my name (both first and middle) all the way from Louisiana, and not over the phone.

I assured her that I was going to do the right thing, but at that moment my head was so foggy and I was still at school. I told her that I would call her back after I had calmed down. (Yes, it was almost three hours later and I still had not calmed down. Still crying.)

I spent the next couple of hours on the phone talking to friends, (thanks Michael) and mom's of my friends (I love Marianne) and my assistant principal, as to what should be my next step. I got some great advice both legally and professionally. (Though I think Marianne's suggestion of telling my principal to go screw herself was just a figure of speech.) I decided I would sleep on it and make a decision in the morning.

The next morning, I got up early (actually I never really went to sleep) and headed for school. I thought about calling in a sick day, but I decided I wasn't going to let my principal get the best of me. I was going to do what was best for my students, and that was to go do my job to the best of my ability. I arrived at school, put my stuff in my classroom and went down to the prinicpal's off. I sat in the chair outside of her office and waited for her to come in, and waited and waited and waited. (Seriously, I felt like I was 9 years old again) The assistant principal came in. Other administration staff came in. And every single person that saw me waiting for our "leader" gave me a hug and asked me not to leave. It restored my faith.

When the principal finally arrived, I think she was astonished to see me waiting for her. I asked if I could talk to her in private. I went into her office and sat down at her table. I confidently explained that my letter was written out of anger and frustration. And while I didn't regret anything that I said in the letter, and I still firmly disagreed with her on many issues, I did regret resigning, not for my own ramifications, but for what would happen to my students. My decision was purely a selfish one. They didn't need or deserve one more person walking out of their lives. I wanted to rescind my resignation because it was in the best interest of my students.

Then she said something to me that was almost laughable. She said, "You really hurt my feelings." (Seriously? Seriously.) I told her that that wasn't my intention, nor was it my intention to prove a point, start a battle, or be dramatic. I really felt that I had no other choice, especially since she told me that I needed to "find another school" to teach at. Honestly, all during the meeting, she made me feel like I was a little kid instead of a professional. But she did give me my letter back and I went along on my broken spirit way.

So here I am, I still have my job, at least for the rest of the year. I don't know what my next step will be. I have decided to just take it one day at a time. I will devote my efforts to my students, and not play the politics of the situation. I have about 65 days left in this school year, and I know in my heart that I have done everything I could to find solutions to the staggering amount of problems that our school faces. Ultimately, she will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. I will continue to give 110% everyday because that's what my students need and deserve. What will happen next, is in God's hands. LGLG!